Glass Grouses

Oh, how terrible I am at keeping up with things. I feel like it’d be easier if I had some kind of app to publish whatever, but I have no idea how that’d work.

I’ve just been really tired from Hell Week™ where I worked almost an entire week straight, two day shifts then three night shifts then I had one day off then two more night shifts and here I am on the other side of it (well two days in where I’m kind of back but not really). Then I have to put in my days for my second job which I really want to keep but also oh shit I have to do the overdue work modules I have lmao

And it doesn’t help that I’m just tired and bleh and guh. I missed my therapy appointment last week because I slept in hard, and I barely made it to my other appointment because I forced myself awake but I was fading pretty hard. She was glad I was able to make it though and I’m glad I was too but mannnnn

Yeah, I want to creativity, but it’s hard,,,, I told boo idk how tf he does his back to backs lots of days in a row actually from one job to the next. Reminds me of one of the hospitalists doing something like that, where she’d moonlight at the hospital then do her other (more relaxed) job at another place during the day. Or that other coworker who’d work like a month in a row so that he could pull a vacay. I’ve wanted to call second job and see if they wanted me to just pull up for a few hours but I’m like, I just want to sit and rot and relax or something.

Also typing makes me wish and want to write but all this work stifled me pretty hard. I was able to write a tad I guess but not much. big struggle energy

and I’m like MAN

man.

yeah I want to do it, and it sucks because I’m pretty sure I had shit lined out for it already. but I never had it properly written out.

my issue: come up with a shitton of ideas, decide to start writing at least twenty different threads, not be able to put any of it together

life is suffering and it feels bad to know that it’s been two years since I’ve updated that cursed fic and I know that my writing skills have only suffered for it :(((((((((((((((( I wonder if I’d end up disappointing people with my updates instead, not sure, but bad end

Also keeping in mind that I have not completed the CotL dlcs which means all of my headcanons are very out of date fml my life

but then it goes back to:

caring what other people want vs writing for myself and throwing it out there if others want to enjoy

and it’s just the whole getting it done part. and the whole connecting everything together part. and the whole trying not to make it perfection. because I want the wording to be correct, I want the wording to be precise, I want the phrasing to work the right way, and I know that my writing skills now are simply not up to par for that. l a m e

and believe me, commenter should you read this, I want to write this so bad. I’ve wanted to write it so bad. I have started stopped starting restarted decided to go about things a different way stopped again and now have just not gotten it done like many things I have done

maybe it’s depression, maybe it’s maybelline. maybe it’s the executive function which has only worsened to the point where it really might be burnout vs emotional fatigue

man, depression. yeah I’ve turned into more and more of a shutin since covid it kind of sucks but I mean, going outside is hard, interaction with people outside of work is hard….

ok enough grousing, I’m also halfway through my string of shifts. surely I might have some rest after it

I SWEAR it’s pretty wild how badly things go on my first day of work

Today’s contract: get there, not even on the roster. Pretty much floundering with access and passwords and IDs and not even having an ID number until the end of the day, and I still wasn’t able to swipe out of work 🙁

I guess we’ll see what happens in the coming days. I have to find out how to juggle my schedule l o l

I do want to write, so…

I dug up my old X250 and X230T which I had set aside while separating all my electronics, charged them up and looks like the X250 which I’m currently using is still kicking. The X230T is in need of a new battery though. So I’m thinking of turning this into my typing machine since it’s a lot easier to type on this vs balancing separate tablet and keyboard on my lap while in bed and stuff.

Also, I want to consign and donate lots of clothes but leaving the house is such pain I don’t know if I’m just going to do pickup or online consignment instead of a local place. It’s just so stwess having all this shit sitting in my car and house menacingly.

Also so much stuff in general. Have made strides, but that was also in a hypomanic episode which I kind of wish I had back because I want to get stuff done and I want to write and creativity and mod and play Dragon’s Dogma 2 and just ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ok I’m done

Ah yes, taking medication and writing out some pages on my AUs. And I have a plethora of ideas/snippets/??? that I’ve written out too, all unfinished, all nonsense, all requiring editing because I will never be satisfied with the word choice in my writing

Maybe I should post them anyway? Or post them on AO3?? But they’d all be unfinished messes that would clog up the Dragon’s Dogma archive pfft. The struggles. I guess I could post them here,,,

How I do things: ideas. write ideas. more ideas. come up with alternate path that turns into another AU. sigh and write ideas from there. branch off… possibly come up with notes upon notes upon notes. sadge because nothing is complete.

But also, man am I fucking tired

Pretty sure the past month just doesn’t exist to me. I have this week off (eh) but have work homework to do and all that which is lame. So it’s just recovery time atm then back to work lollll no rest for the wicked ig

I wonder if I should post my tidbits of writing here, because they sure aren’t finished and interconnected enough to even do anything :’)

Maybe even my unhinged worldbuilding thing from when I was younger, with all its weird notes.

Because man, there’s a lot to go through lmao

So this will be my dedicated blob to my more creative whatevers, fandom stuff, writing ideas, ideas, etc